By WILL BUCHANAN
The first level is a flashback level where you are a old man retelling the events of the last level of the game to your grandson. Only your grandson doesn’t exist yet and it’s really you in the present day imagining what it’ll be like to be an old man retelling the last level of the game to your grandson. Then your grandson (who doesn’t exist) kills you.
You are dropped into a war zone. Bombs falls everywhere and bullets whizz past you. Your comrades scream at you to start shooting, but there is nobody to shoot. They scream and push you into battle and then they hold up an A4 picture of the enemy: It’s you. The level finishes when you shoot yourself in the head.
You begin the next level as a piece of your brain tissue that’s been transported 64-million years into the past through a time warp that occurred during the self-inflicted gunshot. You are being studied by scientists who are laughing at you but you cannot figure out why. The level finishes when you’ve written in ten potential reasons for being laughed at to:
PO BOX 7890
In the next level you are a newborn baby watching videos of babies being born. Your mother (whose likeness is skinned into the game using new Friend-Shot Skinning Technology) bursts in and accuses you of being trapped in the Oedipal complex. She starts taking her clothes off. Then the level ends.
You play through the life of 16th-century Venetian cobbler. Events unfold in real time and take 97 years to complete. The level explores the themes of love, abandonment of dreams, and how much the Black Plague sucked.
You are back fighting in the present day. When you look down you have paws. You try talking but nobody understands you. You slowly transform into a dog throughout the level, but none of your comrades mention this fact to you.
You are still a dog and are before a Naval jury for breaching order 792.10: being a Canine while in the armed forces. They are about to execute you but when they open the book with the verdict the page has been torn out by something with teeth. They suspect you. Then a bunch of Russians start invading and you are the only thing that could possibly stop them.
A surprisingly solid first-person shooter.
A showdown with the final boss. Just when he is about to execute you, your teammate and best friend jumps in front of the bullet and sacrifices his life for you. You cry a single solitary tear, and when that tear hits the ground it destroys every weapon known to man. You ask your superiors if you can bury your dead comrade, but you are refused because he never existed; he was a weapon of the United States military and you destroyed him when you destroyed all the weapons. Then you notice that you have been shot. The credits start to roll.
After you played through it and completed it, you now have the mental resolve and required skills to begin the training level.